Community is hard. People are messy.

by Amelia R

Community is hard. People are messy. It’s not hard at all to see that. It’s even more real, when as believers, we realize that we will eventually sin against each other again despite our efforts. Because even the most faithful believer will stumble as we wrestle between seeking holiness while remaining in our fleshly bodies until the end of our time here on earth (Galatians 5:17). 

And this concept of community being messy and hard is something that isn't foreign to unbelievers. The world sees the brokenness—the riffs between all types of relationships: siblings, parents, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, classmates, etc. Yet the response is “cancel culture.” It’s easy (maybe even satisfying) to respond to those who inflicted pain on you by hurting them back and/or never associating with them again. But as believers, we already know that the Lord commands us to respond differently: to forgive and to love (Matt 5:38-40; 6:14-15; 1 Peter 4:8).

And to be honest, it’s hard. I don’t know about you, but forgiveness is pretty high up there in the commands I tend to fail at the easiest. So hard that it’s even taken years. It feels impossible at times to forgive those who've deeply wounded you (especially when it led to countless nights of sobs, years of shame, multiple heartbreaks, and all those in-between). I truly understand the appeal of cancel culture. I certainly wanted it more than once, especially my reality being:

My mom is my abuser. Correction: My mom was my abuser. She wasn’t the sweet mother who cared for me in the way one expects from someone who gave birth to you. She was harsh, blunt, and often rash. Harsh to the point of verbal lashing, physical bruising and mental scarring. Blunt to the point that no words of mine matter. Rash to the point that her rage blinded her every time. The depth of hurt my mother caused is something I don’t think she will ever fully comprehend nor admit. But the Lord is gracious. The Lord redeems. The Lord equips. And the Lord leads. 

The Lord is gracious.

When I became a believer, I wrestled hard to extend the forgiveness the Lord had given me to my mother. I can’t completely put all of this on her because both people carry responsibility for the relationship’s demise. So the Lord was gracious to bring people alongside me to point out my sins in this relationship so that I may seek repentance, but also He was gracious to shine upon my mother’s sin in a truer light. She may have allowed the sins of others and herself to inflict pain on me, but it urged me to seek understanding and even pray for compassion for her. He allowed me opportunities to practice the same grace he has shown me.

The Lord redeems. The Lord equips.

He not only redeemed me, but he redeemed my relationship with my mother. The day I grieved my mother was the day my heart repostured for her. The more I saw the lack in me, the more I prayed to the Lord for the sake of my mother: that He would give me the strength and the love I couldn’t do on my own. I prayed He would give me the ability to be patient, kind, forgiving and faithful in the pursuit of my mother. To see her apart from her sins, just as the Lord had done so with me. To give her grace when the words she spoke differed from her actions. My mother may not have been kind or even good, but neither was I in the eyes of God. Yet he redeems me. He redeems my mother. He redeems us. And just as the Lord graciously saved me, He also did so my mother. And when I seeked, He answered (James 1:4-5). He equipped me. 

The Lord leads.

Even when my mother left me: emotionally, physically and financially, I was still called to seek reconciliation. Why? Because we are called to love our community. We are called to seek earnestly and to love fiercely (at a very high cost sometimes) for the sake of another. “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). Just as the Lord did, I must do so also. Yet I didn’t even know where to begin, yet alone how to get there. But the Lord leads. He is faithful to his workers. I can trust that he will guide me and equip me as long as I seek him so earnestly and pray for all that I lack so that I may do the work he has entrusted me with.

Just as Jesus was obedient to the very cross, so must I. I choose to carry the cross of my mother and I’s relationship. A cross where I choose to love her even when she can't admit her sins, when she tends to hold onto her bad habits, when her anger slips, or even when she decides to not pursue me anymore. To carry this cross, I do so for the Lord’s glory and my joy. 

So who is in your life now that the Lord so evidently put for you to love? Who has been the hardest to love? It is often the ones who have deeply wounded us. Community is hard. People are messy, yet love them. For love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Learning to let go of my pride, to extend love and forgiveness and allow the Lord to grow and heal me has been costly. It has cost me my pride. It has cost me my “right” to remove my mother from my life. It has cost me years of unrequited affirmation and love. It has cost me the justice I think I desire. It has cost me everything. But through that, I’ve gained everything in him. 

I may have grieved my family for months, but I wouldn’t trade that time for anything else because it led to their salvations. It led them to him and it now leads to new years of continual restoration. The Lord has commanded me to love my mother-- once my enemy, now my community--and it’s a privilege and honor to do so. 

So seek that reconciliation in your broken relationships. It won’t be easy, nor will it be fast, but it will be worth it and it will bring glory to a Father who graciously redeems us and faithfully equips us for the work he has laid before. For in the end, it is for his ultimate glory and our joy.

So love like him. Reconciliation is possible in the name of the Lord, but mostly importantly it is commanded to his people. So community will always be hard, but it will be worth it.