Do We Forgive to Forget?
By Keila Mingo
Forgiveness.
If you’ve been in church for a while, it’s probably a word you’ve heard more times than you can count — a non-negotiable for those who follow Jesus. Yet, when you’re face-to-face with the person who hurt you, or left sitting alone with the pain, it feels like a battle you’re unsure you want to fight. Let’s be real: it’s hard. Sometimes actually doing it can feel like climbing a mountain with no summit in sight… impossible and pointless.
It’s one thing when someone bumps into you in the hallway or forgets your birthday. Sure, you can forgive that. But what about when the hurt cuts deep? When it feels personal? When there’s betrayal, broken trust, or consequences you’re left to carry? Does forgiveness mean letting them off the hook? And does forgiving mean forgetting?
Spoiler alert: No.
Let me tell you about my own experience with forgiveness. There was a time when someone I trusted deeply let me down in ways I didn’t really see coming. It wasn’t just one moment of hurt, but rather a pattern of broken promises, careless words, and actions that made me feel invisible and unworthy. Because I loved this person and I love God, I thought forgiveness would come more quickly. But as time went on, I realised I was still holding onto the pain. Every time I remembered what had happened, I felt a wave of anger, sadness, and even shame. I wanted to forgive, but the memories wouldn’t fade… and honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted them to.
I kept thinking, If I can’t forget, does that mean I haven’t truly forgiven?
The phrase “Forgive and forget” is an idealistic motto, probably made up by some well-meaning surfer dude who just wanted to live and let live while surfing the coasts of Cali… he probably
also coined the phrase “Live, laugh, love” (Please don’t fact check me on that). It’s a nice concept for sure, but nowhere in Scripture does God command us to forget what’s been done to us.
When we’re hurt, we often cling to memories as proof of what happened — as if letting go means we’re saying it didn’t matter. But forgetting isn’t the goal. Memories are tools: they can teach us, protect us, and remind us to set healthy boundaries. The Bible doesn’t call us to erase the past. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the offense didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean saying, “It’s fine” when it’s not. It doesn’t mean acting like you’re okay when you’re not, or immediately rebuilding trust when it’s been broken. Feeling hurt, angry, and even betrayed is normal. It’s not sinful to feel the weight of what’s been done to you.
That said, the danger comes when those memories and feelings control us. Instead of pointing us back to God’s justice and healing, they can stir up resentment, making us replay the pain over and over. 2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.” God cares deeply about your feelings. He’s not asking you to brush them off or pretend they don’t exist — He’s asking you to bring them to Him.
God calls us to forgive, not because the other person necessarily deserves it, but because holding onto “unforgiveness” destroys us. Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and God. When you hold onto bitterness and “unforgiveness,” it doesn’t hurt the person who wronged you. It only hurts you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 urges us to, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Forgiveness is about releasing the grip someone’s sin has over you and releasing that offense to God. It’s about choosing to trust Him with the weight of what was done to you, rather than holding on to bitterness. It’s saying, “This hurt me, but I’m choosing not to let bitterness define me.” Forgiveness is an act of faith. It’s a choice to let God take control, even when your feelings haven’t caught up yet.
Forgiveness doesn’t erase your memories — it redeems them.
Forgiveness doesn’t minimise your pain — it magnifies Christ’s power to carry what you can’t. The Process of Forgiving
Forgiving someone isn’t a “one-and-done” kind of thing. It’s more like a process, and it looks different depending on the situation. Sometimes, forgiveness comes more easily, especially when the person apologises and takes responsibility for their actions. Other times, it feels impossible, especially when the hurt is deep or the person doesn’t seem to care about how their actions have impacted you. So, I want to share what that process has looked like for me and what the Lord has been teaching me about this in hopes that this is helpful for you as well:
1. Admit That You’re Hurt
For a long time, I tried to minimize what happened. I’d tell myself it wasn’t a big deal or that I should just get over it. But forgiveness starts with honesty. You can’t forgive someone if you’re pretending their actions didn’t affect you. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. God isn’t asking you to ignore those feelings; however, He is asking you to bring them to Him.
2. Make the Choice to Forgive
Forgiveness isn’t about waiting for the other person to apologize or change. It’s about deciding to let go of the bitterness and trust God to handle the justice part. That choice might not come with warm, fuzzy feelings, but feelings should follow acts of obedience, not the other way around. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” For me, this meant surrendering the offense to God over and over again. It wasn’t a one-time decision. Some days I felt like I’d made progress, only to find the hurt bubbling up again the next day. But each time, I chose to say, “Lord, I forgive them. Help me release this to You.”
3. Set Boundaries Where You Need To
One of the hardest parts of forgiveness is recognizing you can forgive someone without giving them the same place in your life. Proverbs 4:23 advises, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Setting boundaries can be an act of wisdom, not bitterness. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the person didn’t hurt you; it’s about guarding your heart while trusting God to handle their heart. Forgive freely, but rebuild trust wisely. In my situation, forgiveness didn’t mean restoring the relationship to what it was before. It meant seeking God’s wisdom through His Word, through counseling, and through Godly friendships to figure out what healthy boundaries looked like moving forward. (If you’re struggling to determine how to set proper boundaries/ what actions to take or what they should look like in your specific situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out and seek wise, Godly counsel on how to do it in a way that is honouring the Lord.)
4. Surrender the Memories to God
The memories will come back and when they do, you have a choice: you can either replay them and stay stuck, or you can ask God to help you let them go. Philippians 3:13-14 encourages us, “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” This doesn’t mean erasing the memory of what happened, but it does mean shifting your focus. When you fix your eyes on Christ, the offence begins to lose its power. For me, this meant praying daily for God to help me focus on His promises rather than replaying the pain in my mind. Philippians 4:8 motivates us to think about things that are “true, honourable, just, pure, lovely, commendable.” The memories won’t disappear, but you don’t have to dwell on them. Over time, those memories can lose their sting, becoming reminders of God’s faithfulness instead of your pain.
5. Trust God’s Justice
Forgiving doesn’t mean letting someone “get away” with what they did. It means trusting God to handle justice in His time and His way. There were moments when I wanted the other person to feel the weight of what they’d done, but God reminded me that His justice is perfect, and mine is not. Forgiveness was my way of saying, “Lord, I trust You to handle this better than I ever could.” I encourage you to do the same. Trust that God is not withholding His goodness or ignoring your hurts. Trust in His Word, His timing, His sovereignty and Who He says He is. Psalm 62:5-8 says, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."
Forgiveness is never easy, but it leads to the freedom your soul desperately needs. Freedom from the bitterness that poisons your heart. Freedom from the weight of resentment. And most importantly, freedom to live fully in the grace God has given you. It’s a journey of trusting God to take what feels broken and transform it into something redeemed.
If you’re struggling to forgive, take heart in this: God sees your pain. He knows what it’s like to be betrayed, hurt, and rejected. Jesus experienced all of it on the cross. But through His sacrifice, He made forgiveness possible, both for us to receive and for us to give.
Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it changes the way you carry it — with a heart made whole and a future filled with hope.
Reflection:
Is there someone you feel God might be calling you to forgive? How does this person’s actions continue to impact your heart and mind?
What makes forgiveness difficult for you? Is it the fear of letting go, or the pain of feeling like justice won’t be served?
Are you willing to trust God with the outcome, even if it looks different than you expect? How can leaning on His promises give you peace in the process?