3 Hot Takes on Friendship
by Makayla Guzman
Wouldn’t you agree that everybody wants to have at least one good friend? Ideally, we’d love to be surrounded by a group of awesome friends that we can know throughout our lives and create decades of memories together. People to laugh with, cry with, celebrate with, and have plans with every weekend. But, newsflash: friendships are HARD. Sometimes they just seem to be missing from our lives altogether.
One of the most striking traits about humanity is that we were designed for relationships. We all crave community; it is literally written into our DNA as creation made in the likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Since He is a relational being, we are therefore hardwired to be relational as well. So then, if we were designed to thrive within the context of community, why do so many of us struggle to find deep friendships?
I want to share a few thoughts about friendship (and a few hot takes) to encourage you and hopefully challenge you on your journey of finding friends and being a good one. I’ll be honest - I’m going to say somethings that might not sit well with you at first, but stick with me!
Contrary to popular belief, most friendships are not built by chance but rather by choice. They take effort, time, and honestly a lot of vulnerability! We often want the Hollywood version of a friendship origin story: a casual meeting, minimal effort, instant common ground, lifelong friendship. But the reality is that sometimes it can take a long time of pushing through that slightly embarrassing small talk phase to get to the point where you start to let yourself be known by those around you. It is rarely easy, but always worth it! A good friend of mine once said that, “awkward conversations change lives”, and I wholeheartedly agree! What would happen if you asked someone new to hang out? What if you randomly invited someone to join in when a group of people go grab milkshakes after youth group one day? What if you sat next to someone new and asked them about themselves? In order to build a friendship, you must invest your time and energy into getting to know them! It rarely happens overnight.
It’s been said that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. So I would challenge you right now to make a list of who those five people are for you and consider if the sum of their characters is someone you’d like to be. If the answer is yes, then what an incredible blessing that you can hopefully share with others! If the answer is no, then I would encourage you to prayerfully consider if you should put some distance between you and those in your life that are not making you more like Christ. (Side note: this is not to say that you should only spend time with other believers who are easy to be around. We are called to be ambassadors for Christ, and that means doing life alongside people who don’t always make you comfortable. But you can also love people from a distance if their influence is having a negative effect on your walk with Jesus.) And finally, if you couldn’t think of five people to put on that list, then you might be in a position that many of us find ourselves in throughout our lives: needing a friend.
I see a common theme among teens and young adults: we choose someone we think would be our ideal friend and put all of our energy into being noticed, liked, and accepted by them. In the process, we ignore others right in front of us who could also use community because our eyes are so focused on our “ideal friends”. This creates a problem – when we idolize specific people and decide that being a part of their friend group is the ultimate goal, it will lead to a heart of comparison, insecurity, and entitlement. It will also lead to missing out on awesome friendships that might be right in front of you. So if you are hoping to make new friends, I would encourage you to open your eyes to see the people who already surround you at school, work, sports team, club, youth group, etc. Who are the people that you might have overlooked before? Who is someone who also looks like they need a friend that you could reach out to?
So to the person who is lonely: I see you. I have been you. I am praying for you - that the Lord would bring incredible friends into your life. But I would also challenge you to evaluate whether or not you are standing in your own way when it comes to making friends. If the answer is yes, then figure out what you need to change to open yourself up to new relationships. If the answer is no, then don’t give up. If there’s a little voice in your head telling you that you don’t deserve good friends, then I want to remind you that you are made in the likeness of God. You get your need for community from Him, and when He looks at you, He sees His creation. If you have put your faith in Him, then He sees all of the righteousness and goodness of Jesus when he looks at you (2 Corinthians 5:21).
To everyone else: don’t waste what precious time you have with the people around you by being ungrateful for the gift that their friendship is in your life. Consider how you might go out of your way to serve them, even if it means sacrificing more of your time and resources. And consider opening up your friend group to welcome in others who might need a safe place to belong. You never know how you might be used by God to change someone else’s life.